fear

January 9 -Moving from visualization to action

“I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” – Joan Didion

Some years back I started my original blog – Just some thoughts I have. My original intent was to save my Facebook friends from enduring my rants about life, but quickly it just became a place for me to express my thoughts. While I am interested in the statistics of readership, I usually don’t care much about whether what I wrote gets read. It is purely a place for me to work out my thoughts on “paper”.

When this blog started, I had a similar thought process. But with this blog there was also the notion that by putting my commitments, my progress, my successes and my failures out on the public air waves, I would increase my personal accountability.

Today’s Weight Watcher’s tip is centered around writing my thoughts and feelings as I make my plan for the day. It is quite fitting, considering the Project 365 I am working on here.

Yesterday’s post was about visualization. I made a commitment to myself to visualize success and work toward that vision. I did well with that in the morning, and even the early afternoon. But, as the day wore on I increasingly treated Sunday like a down day. Last night I laid out my workout gear, and set my alarm for 3:50am, with the intent of being up and at the gym for a good hour before work. Unfortunately, I didn’t visualize myself getting up on the first ring of the alarm. While still, essentially, unconscious, I pressed the snooze bar 2 or 3 times. By the time I was actually awake, it was too late to get in a work out and still get through my morning routine for on time arrival at work.

The goal I set for the week was a minimum of 3 work outs before my Friday weigh in. There are 4 more mornings, and 4 afternoons between now and then, so the goal is still attainable. Tonight my personal schedule won’t allow for a trip to the gym, so I will be rising tomorrow to get the ball rolling. In keeping with the visualization model, I need to visualize myself in bed, and asleep, by around 10pm in order to make that happen.

Does it feel to you like I am writing facts and not feelings here today? If so, our brains are on the same wave.

Last week one of the posts was about fears. You can read it here . In that post I wrote that the simplest answer was that I was afraid of dying. A relative who read the post asked why I was so afraid of death, and it made me think deeper. At some level, I think everyone fears their own mortality. As a person in my mid-50s, I am increasingly aware of the notion that more than half of my life is in the rear-view mirror. But my fear isn’t just about death. After all, there are no guarantees in life. While I aspire to live into my upper 80s or 90s, I really don’t know whether that will come true.

The next layer down of that fear is the fear that my poor life choices will result in a lower quality of life. In 2013, when I weighed 345 pounds, I was fairly miserable. My back hurt, I was limited in my activities, I got tired easily. I didn’t like how I looked in the mirror, and so my self-confidence ebbed to frighteningly low levels. My wife and I love to camp and hike. Too often I would stay at the campsite reading while she was off hiking because I knew how painful it was going to be, and how painfully slow. Once, in 2012, we were in Chicago with friends and one of my friends had to tell his wife to slow her walking because I couldn’t keep up. I was fairly mortified. I ended up walking back to get my car, in tears for part of the journey.

Those are the things I fear, and more…

I also fear that if my weight continues to rise, or, for that matter, stays where it is, medical conditions like diabetes will creep back into my life. I positively despise hospitals and trips to the doctor’s office, and the thought of having to endure that on a regular basis because of the choices I have made, terrifies me.

This morning I have back pain. It is probably just that I slept wrong, or maybe that I was sitting in an odd position watching TV with my wife last night. It is probably nothing. But, my fear is that because of the extra weight I am toting it is a warning sign of just how out of shape I have become.

I am not starting the week on the positive note that I had planned. Those extra snooze bar flips have me set off in the wrong direction. It is up to me now to make that change. I need to get off here, get dressed and make the day great. My wife did an amazing job of grocery shopping, so a healthy lunch and dinner will be in my future. It is now up to me to get my head in gear and move

Bobby-C’s thought for the day… Today I need to focus on letting go of my morning mistakes, and just live the day making the best choices possible as they unfold.

Week 30 Weigh-in and update on the Affirmation Challenge

This morning I weighed-in at 260.2 pounds. That means I lost .6 pounds since last Friday. Considering my weekend indulgence on last week’s camping trip, and the fact that I didn’t get to the gym this week, I am very happy with the result. Down is down after all.

Other than the weekend, I stuck to my Weight Watchers points for the week. As I mentioned, I didn’t get to the gym this week, and I need to remedy that in the coming week. I also haven’t been walking as much, and need to step that back up as well.

I am now on day 26 of the affirmation challenge. So far I have kept up the pace. It has become increasingly difficult to come up with a unique affirmation each day, but not difficult to find something to affirm in my life. There are 5 days (including today), left, and I am confident that I will get in 30 in 30.

I thought I would share this one from back on September 22:

I am courageous. Sometimes I am full of fear about things, but that fear doesn’t stop me. I act in spite of my fear – that is my definition of courage.

Like everyone else, I have fears in my life. Some are quite common, like my fear of heights. Others are deeper seeded and have to do with my fears about my own mortality and whether I am living up to expectations – both my own and others’. I have struggled with depression in the past, and sometimes that depression did make me shut down. These days I have learned to cope with my fears, and to face them head on. I find that when I allow myself to worry about my fears, then the thing that scares me grows. But, when I face it head on, it shrinks before my eyes.

For the coming week my plan is to be on points for the week, and to hit the gym at least 3 times.

How are you doing on your journey? What are your goals for the week?